Guess What Bill O'Reilly Said Now

Bill O’Reilly actually felt the need to comment on his experience at a black restaurant in Harlem recently on his radio show. He actually was so surprised that black people weren’t shooting each other to get to the front of the line faster and that his server didn’t have a single gold tooth that he relayed the story to the world, as if the world really expects that in black restaurants you should always expect to see the cook’s platinum chain dipping into the soup-of-the-day.

He said that he “couldn’t get over the fact” that Sylvia’s was “no different” than any other restaurant in New York, “even though it’s run by blacks, primarily black patronage.” Later, he said, "There wasn't one person in Sylvia's screaming, 'M-Fer, I want more iced tea.' You know, because we’re incapable of making simple requests without saying “mf” first.

Bill O’Reilly, that is some racist stuff. It’s not like we bankrupt all our businesses by stealing from the register so we can buy crack. You probably still call us “colored.”

I don’t even think I can follow this up with anything else, because honestly, what more needs to be said? If you are seriously surprised at the quality of a black restaurant in this day and age, something is wrong with you. What the hell do you think we do, throw our food at the floor before we serve it to people? No, wait, there’s white people coming. We’ll wipe it off on our aprons first.

Imagine that black people can sit at a table, with chairs and tablecloths, in fact! Imagine that black people can use silverware that doesn’t need to be rewashed before it’s used! Free bread? Menus? No health code violations? It’s like we’re in some kind of crazy black dream, where black people are civilized members of society! If they keep this up, they might get to ride in the front of the bus or not get sprayed with fire hoses. Sky’s the limit for these black people!

What’s next, a black President? Well, let’s not get crazy. I know it’s mind-blowing that this restaurant (Sylvia’s) didn’t have any metal detectors, but let’s be serious. Black people shouldn’t be in the White House unless they’re part of a tour group.

You know, maybe I shouldn’t come down so hard on Bill O’Reilly. I mean, I once went into one of these black restaurants, and I have to admit that I was shocked, shocked, I tell you, to not see one fried item on the menu. Nothing on the menu was cooked with hog fat, and there wasn’t a single jheri curl or prison tattoo behind the counter. That blew me away. I didn’t even get sleepy after eating the food. All in all, it was a disappointing experience. I had heard so much about these “black restaurants,” so I expected to have at least one lazy Negro give me attitude for daring to come inside and order food.

I didn’t even see any black youths running from the cops. Everyone knows that when black people run and they don’t have a basketball, they’re running from the cops. I saw some black people running, but they were just jogging. Oh, and the restaurant was just a restaurant. They didn’t do any shoe repair or oil changes in the back. They only served food. What a letdown.

What the hell is wrong with you, Bill O’Reilly? Seriously, you couldn’t possibly have been serious about what you were saying. And I hope your listeners understand that we are not some kind of primitive, depraved reprobates that require the strong hand of Christian Caucasian authority to keep us in line. I am truly offended that you felt the need to detail your experiences at a black restaurant. Black people were busy being civilized while your ancestors were flinging poo at each other in a cave in France. Just because some of us don’t know how to act doesn’t mean that we all can’t put on some nice clothes and eat a nice meal at a nice place served by nice black people.

Thanks for giving us the benefit of the doubt, O’Reilly. That’s mighty white of you.